Changing the way I blog

I am going to be changing things up a bit. I am not going to be writing everything like a Christmas card about my kids. I am going to write about my real life and how I feel about things. I have been writing elsewhere about myself and it is too hard to keep up 2 separate things. So there will be lots of things about my kids but a lot more about me and what I feel like writing about.

For the past few years my life as been disappearing. Actually I have been disappearing. I have put my kids and husband and whatever else above myself. And though there is nothing wrong with that I have neglected to take care of myself. Everything I do I first think how it will effect others or what someone might think. Hello I can have an opinion too. I can do things just for the fact that I want to. I feel like yelling screaming to the world or just at myself "I am someone, I can do whatever the hell I want for no reason" It is no one elses fault, just mine, that I let Keri Lybbert Perez be replaced with well whoever I have become. Maybe none of this makes sense but every little thing I have done for the past few years has been done with fore thought of what might be.

Putting my kids wants before my needs is dumb but at the time it just seemed easier. For example I have never had any of my kids cry themselves to sleep or have to go back to their own bed if they get up at night. I know Derek doesn't like to hear them cry and neither do I but now I have a 3 and 1 year old needing to be rocked to sleep and waking me up numerous times at night. I haven't slept through the night in almost 9 years. And it is more of a disservice to them because they don't know how to go back to sleep on their own if they do wake up which makes them tired and miserable all day. What a difference it will be when my kids get the sleep they need and I get the sleep I need.

bla bla bla.

I have hired my niece Meg to come over for one hour a day and babysit my kids while I do whatever I feel like doing. I mostly want to take walks or even dig out my roller blades. T need to get more exercise. today I was explaining to Eli that I wanted to go on a walk alone and that he couldn't come. I said I needed to get exercise so I won't be fat anymore. When I got home he said " Mom, your still fat." If only it worked that quickly. I love leaving my house with my mp3 player playing songs I want to hear. Somedays I think I could walk for hours lost in my own thoughts.

So anyone still there? That's ok this is mostly for me. but i gotta go get kids to bed.